TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2011
I hate this bi polar bullshit. I hate it so much. I was completely happy like, 10 mins ago, and now I feel like I'm drowning myself in my mind. I feel like crying. I want to curl up in my bed and fucking sob my bitch ass to sleep. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I don't know what made my mood decide to change. It's like a freakin' light switch, I swear.
I don't know what to do. If I cry, the boyfriend will be like, "Whats wrong?" And I truthfully can't give him a answer. Cause I don't even know. I wish I did. It's like nothing helps. At least if I knew why I was being this way, I could try and stop it.
The other day I looked for in home treatment centers.. There is no place near where I live. And with not having insurance, I'm fucked on that end. Maybe if I did something dramatic enough, they'd just send me to one of those places, and I can finally be away from everything. Away from my shit of a life. It's like my bi-polar makes a sea of depression in my mind, and I keep randomly forgetting how to swim. (Note that I can't swim in the first place.) I just feel so lost. Mailene fucked over our friendship. So yet again, I'm back to myself. Alone, all the time. And even when people do come over, I'm so socially awkward that it's almost not worth being around people. Maybe I should just have my mom get a place and just stay in my room. Sit here and rot away. Sounds like a fucking plan.
I hate this bi polar bullshit. I hate it so much. I was completely happy like, 10 mins ago, and now I feel like I'm drowning myself in my mind. I feel like crying. I want to curl up in my bed and fucking sob my bitch ass to sleep. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I don't know what made my mood decide to change. It's like a freakin' light switch, I swear.
I don't know what to do. If I cry, the boyfriend will be like, "Whats wrong?" And I truthfully can't give him a answer. Cause I don't even know. I wish I did. It's like nothing helps. At least if I knew why I was being this way, I could try and stop it.
The other day I looked for in home treatment centers.. There is no place near where I live. And with not having insurance, I'm fucked on that end. Maybe if I did something dramatic enough, they'd just send me to one of those places, and I can finally be away from everything. Away from my shit of a life. It's like my bi-polar makes a sea of depression in my mind, and I keep randomly forgetting how to swim. (Note that I can't swim in the first place.) I just feel so lost. Mailene fucked over our friendship. So yet again, I'm back to myself. Alone, all the time. And even when people do come over, I'm so socially awkward that it's almost not worth being around people. Maybe I should just have my mom get a place and just stay in my room. Sit here and rot away. Sounds like a fucking plan.
English (US)